A Bit of a Horror Story

At Worldcon I roomed with an old high school friend, alternate reality game writer Andrea Phillips, who then introduced me to Chuck Wendig (they are apparently BFFs on Twitter). I since subscribed to Chuck's blog, Terrible Minds, and have started sometimes participating in the writing exercises he puts up there. It's nice to take a break from the parenting grind from time to time, you know?

In October he had a very very short scary story contest. As in, write a scary story in just three lines. I tried it and ended up with something poetic and fun, and was pleased to see he listed it among his ten favorites from the contest, though it did not win. Here it is:

A little birdy looked at me, and its eyes began to glow –like something possessed, I thought at best, so I said, “It’s time to go!”

I started to leave, and I grabbed my girl, but she stopped and shook her head: “I like it here,” she said with a grin, “Let’s feed the birds instead.”

Her eyes glowed too, so I killed her, quick, though the waste was just absurd; I felt a bit foolish my girlfriend got ghoulish, so I stomped the hell out of the bird.

I kind of cheated with semicolons. But it was a fun and interesting exercise.

My first version was much too long and had much more about other animals and people with glowing eyes in the park, and I stumbled on the end, because I didn't want to kill the girl, but all I had was a vignette without some sort of resolution, and Chuck said it had to be a story.
( here's the first draft )

I wanted the guy to somehow save the girl. But I've been reading Saladin Ahmed lately, and in his stories, Ghouls cannot be saved. Once I bit that bullet it all fell together.

What do you think?