Skip trying to prove you're not racist

[netmouse]

- because it's not about you.




Since before I went to Wiscon, I've been meaning to respond to something tlatoani said in response to a post of mine about the fans of color speak out day May 18:

I'm listening, but that's all I'm doing. As a white guy, it isn't my place to get involved, and many of the participants in the discussion have made that quite clear. What seems to irritate them the most is well-meaning liberal white people who feel the need to prove how non-racist they are. I see their point, so I'm staying out of it.

This comment rather spectacularly misses the point of what I've seen a number of people post, so I wanted to address it. Slowly, and hopefully clearly.

There are a number of contexts in which "liberal white people who feel the need to prove how non-racist they are" are in fact very annoying to people of color who are trying to talk to them (or others in their vicinity). Here are a few:

1. Someone has tried to point out that this LWP (liberal white person) said something that came across as racist, or otherwise echoed with white privilege, in a way that bothered them. LWP fails to examine what they said and instead derails into proving how non-racist they are.
   
2. LWP's friends also speak past the statements of POC to try to prove how non-racist the LWP is.
   
3. Some POC has started to speak up about an issue that is troubling to them. The issue in question touches on something (perhaps a book or an author) that is very important to a LWP, who proceeds to try to explain why a) the issue doesn't really exist in the book or b) the item in question doesn't bother them, so it shouldn't bother anyone else, and c) the LWP knows their perspective is informed and they are non-racist, so they feel they have a more important opinion than the POC. POC tries to reorient discussion to their own experience. LWP asserts how non-racist they are.
   

In all those cases, a LWP who feels motivated to prove how non-racist they are gets annoying, but not because the white person is trying to be non-racist; rather because the white person is avoiding facing forward into the real issue and listening to POC by derailing into a conversation about what a non-racist person they are. And this is not actually the conversation anyone wants to be having. Here, listen to Jay explain that.

I've seen some POC go so far as to say that it looks like what white people fear the most in any conversation is to be called racist. So that if someone says something you *said* was racist, you feel the need to respond to the implication that you are racist, and react to that, before you can possibly listen to point the other person was trying to make.

If you find yourself reacting this way, you should definitely stop. Try harder to listen, go off and have your tearful reaction to being called out on your racism elsewhere, whatever, but skip listing all the reasons you are not racist.

Partly because, well, we're just about all racist, really. Studies show that. Our perceptions, our behavior; all of these things are influenced by race and the color of someone's skin. At one point in race discussions I commented that I thought that without race, there is no racism, basically reflecting the concept that since I do not believe in a biological basis for definitions of race, it does not exist for me (so, the implication goes, how can I be racist?). But the truth is I am. For all that there is no biological definition for it, and the social constructions keep changing race is real as soon as people make decisions on the basis of race. Which we do all the time. It's real only because people believe in it, but you can say the same thing about the value of money. Both have a deep impact on how the world works despite the fact that their values are socially constructed.

I'm not making these posts about race in an attempt to prove how non-racist I am. I'm making them because I am trying to do something to change how the world is. I post about these things in part to let fans of color know that I see them, I hear them, and I think they matter. Do they care about my opinions? I don't know. But I'm hoping some of the people who read my journal might care enough to consider acknowledging these people too. Not to try to prove something about yourself, but to try to reach out to others.

Comments

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

That's odd. It really seems that your focus is on how being called racist is bad.

But, why does that have to be the focus of the conversation whenever race or racist actions are brought up? Why is the focus so rarely on how these racist things/actions/words have caused harm to people?

I think that's what netmouse is talking about here.

[cathshaffer.livejournal.com]

"That's odd. It really seems that your focus is on how being called racist is bad."

Yes, it really is odd how people don't like being called unpleasant names.

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

Is this a conversation we should bother continuing?

I don't feel that someone saying "That's racist" is a bad thing, and I get the very strong impression you do.

In which case, we're probably just going to irritate each other, rather than have a conversation. Or so is my thought - I may be entirely off base.

[cathshaffer.livejournal.com]

It depends on what your purpose is in saying "that's racist." If you would like to educate someone and help to give them some insight, then maybe you want to exercise some diplomacy. If you want to vent, if you are angry and you are looking for support from likeminded people, then you can't expect the person you're criticizing to take it gracefully, but you can expect a lot of sympathy and support from those who have been through something similar. Sometimes that's enough. You can't have it both ways.

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

But that puts the onus on the person who's been insulted to be nice about it.

It reads to me like "the problem isn't this racist thing I said, it's that you noticed it and pointed it out. If only you hadn't pointed it out in this tone of voice, I would listen to your complaints."

I've seen this play out with disability-related issues. If only I hadn't pointed out that the person giving the talk about disability issues kept dividing the world into "people with disabilities" and "people who vote", I wouldn't have offended him so. Except, you know, he was the one saying that PWD aren't people who vote, which was rather insulting at a forum for people with disabilities on issues in our upcoming election.

He insulted us first, but I'm the bad one for pointing it out.

I see this happen a lot in discussions about racism. Someone says something racist. Someone else points out this racist thing was said. And then the person who pointed it out is expected to be nice about it. Why? The racist thing was the initial insult.

[cathshaffer.livejournal.com]

Well, personally, I think it is always better to be the bigger person when you're insulted and not escalate things, whether the insult is a racial one or whatever. That said, being the bigger person does not always mean being nice. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to give someone a correction and get out of the way while they deal with it. Is it even more insulting when you share your feelings with someone and they make it all about them? Sure, it is. I get that.

Sometimes people do need to be told they have done something wrong, racist, whatever. In that case, you are 99% likely to get an ungracious response. Why ask why? Maybe they don't hear anything after you say "racist." Maybe that is all they *can* hear at that point. If that's the case, it's not wasted. That is what they are able to hear and what they need to hear at that time. Maybe the kneejerk response is "I'm not a racist," but perhaps it will sink in later. Or perhaps not. Maybe it will take a little more admonishment from others. People are very seldom converted to a new viewpoint instantly, but the angry denial and missing-the-point tirade doesn't mean that the message didn't hit home. It just may have been put in a pile on the coffee table with a lot of other unopened mail. What I hope, when talking to difficult people, is to make them curious to go through that pile thoughtfully at some time, and give them a face-saving way to apologize later, when they need to. In my personal opinion, using the culturally loaded word "racist" makes it all of that less accessible for the average white person.

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad we talked about this, because now I have a much different opinion about what you initially said than what I did when I first responded. I really appreciate the time you took to explain your POV. I don't agree with all of it, but a lot of what you said, I nodded along with.

I'm going to bow out now, though, because I'm irritated at Unrelated Things On The Internet, and that usually means I can no longer have adult conversations with people. Rather than risking saying something thoughtless to you, I'm going to look at pictures of ponies.

[cathshaffer.livejournal.com]

This exchange was valuable to me as well. I think I am missing some context for this post, since I haven't been participating in the same discussions that netmouse has. I can certainly imagine that it may seem as though I am coming in on the side of someone who has been really tiresome in some other forum.

Thank you for mentioning the ponies. Next week I will be camping with my family on Assateague Island, home of the famous wild ponies, so I am very excited about all things pony right now.